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I prefer the worst in you

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Monday, January 11th, 2010
12:45 am - worries.
"that's the thing that really got me," she said, "you lost your kindred spirit,"

and i had to wonder, 'in 28 years i've met one man, one, that i felt really saw me for who i am. will i have to wait 28 years to meet the next one?'


Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
11:24 am - circle K
From: Aeonflux

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List 5 songs you like that start with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

1. "Kamikaze" by PJ Harvey
Probably my favorite song from 'Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea' which is an album full of AMAZING songs. Harveys mournful/shriking voice combined with the song's relentless guitar and lyrics paint pictures of love as both constant battle and a prize worth dieing for. It makes my hear beat fast every time i hear it.

2. "Key to Nord" by The Controls
Somewhere on the evolutionary tree between trip hop and IDM, and inspired by the prophesies of Nostradamus the controls made one epic, heart breaking album. Key to Nord is 3 minutes and 10 seconds of pure heartbreak. It's lyrics are haunting and i find myself humming the melody for days after listening to it.

3. "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" from Nightmare Before Christmas
Three malevolent demon children singing about the murder and dismemberment of the worlds most beloved childhood icon = awesome. And the the She Wants Revenge cover? I don't recommend it.

4. "King of Silence(Dan the Automator Remix)" by Cibo Matto
There are many edits and remixes of this song but this one is by far my favorite. First of all i'm a sucker for a horn section, and the trumpet on this track always makes my heart sing. And even though there is a heavy hip-hop beat throughout the track i always picture Yuka Honda and Miho Hatori in long 30's dresses behind old time-e microphones in some speakeasy somewhere.

5. "Kooks" by David Bowie
David Bowie inviting his his unborn child to stay and be raised by him, but also warning him that if he stays he'll probably grow up to be more then a little different. It never fails to make me feel triumphant and reassured that i'm not alone in my weirdness.


Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
3:24 pm - Update
First a confession: I've had too much caffeine. My mind is blitzing and bouncing all through my grey-space.

I can't stop looking at asses. I stare at them, blatantly sometimes. the sexiest tattooed boy just caught me blatently absorbed in his delicious twin muffins. I used to be mostly 'receptively oriented. and this recent (over the last two years) shift in orientation has me a little bemused.

In other news; My friends leo and jacob are launching a Young/gay/SF focused arts/events/culture website ( june and they have invited me to be their political/cultural/historical blogger. I'm not sure what i'm going to be doing with my LJ account. I almost never post here anymore... but who knows? perhaps writing in a more regular professional way there will cause we to write more regularly/personally here...

i use /slashes/ a lot.

current mood: bouncy


Monday, February 11th, 2008
3:23 pm - Little Wooden Boy
I had lost my body, i'm not sure how. But i had found a little rag doll; button eyes, sewn mouth, yarn hair, the works. And that allowed my to move around at least.

The Girl With The Straight Blond Hair and Pale Red Dress picked me up and tucked me snuggly into the pocket in the front of her apron. Her hands were soft (but suprisingly strong) and i new by the way she carssesed my little cloth body that she loved me.

We took the Long Road to The City, hoping that perhaps i had left my body on a bench, or near a pond, or maybe the Tickers had seen it, and that was the rout they usually took. But we found wolves in stead.

The Girl With The Straight Blond Hair and Pale Red Dress produced a knife out of thin air (in the way of dreams) and made a straight, deep cut across her palm, and dripped the blood into a circle that the wolves could not cross.

We Passed a Field of Wheat where a Scarecrow in ragged denim jeans and a bowler hat hung limply. The Girl With The Straight Blond Hair and Pale Red Dress and i agreed that this would be a much more useful vessel for my essence and (with some difficulty) she pulled it down and we made the switch (though she kept the little rag doll tucked into her apron "just in case")

The Village At the Cross Roads seemed deserted, though we could feel peering eyes, like the fingers of pick pockets, always on the edge of our perception. The Statue in the center of the village offered much better protection then my straw form, and i made the switch eagerly.

The City was huge. It was Every City. Filled to the bursting with men women and children of every shade, speaking every language, and staring at us with open curiosity. I don't know why it surprised me: that people should find it so out of place to see a statue walking the streets with them. But when The Girl With The Straight Blond Hair and Pale Red Dress saw the display mannequin i reluctantly pored myself in.

(1 beat | heart)

Sunday, February 10th, 2008
9:39 pm - To the Boy that Broke My Heart
I'm over you. i promise. I'm in love, and i'm happy. So happy that people who know me from Before barely recognize me. So please PLEASE don't think anything like that. But i clearly have some unresolved issues where you are concerned. You see, i had a dream the other night: you, me, and that awesome dog of yours were leying together in the hammock in your back yard, my back was to you and you were drawing circles over my heart (you know, like you used to). Then SNAP! i was as awake as if someone had thrown ice water on my face.

so yeah, unresolved issues.

(1 beat | heart)

Saturday, January 5th, 2008
3:25 pm - The Shape of my Soul

(1 beat | heart)

Friday, December 28th, 2007
7:55 pm - Tonight the World Kinda Sucks
She was a flawed woman. Human, like most of us. I never had the pleasure of making her acquaintance, never once did i shake her hand. I will never have the opportunity. They killed her ('they'... the taliban, al quada, 'president' Mushariff, the cia, the nsa, the fsb... she's dead it doesn't matter who 'they' are). she was buried today in her family crypt, next to her husband and children.

Why is it that the death of this woman whom i don't know, whom i have never met, who wasn't even from this country... why is this hitting me so hard? all of us? Why do we care so much about the life/death of this woman? This flawed, human woman...

Maybe it's because, on some level we understand that she was our only hope. A light of modernity and civilization in the dark wilds and bitter mountains of central asia. Maybe we can sense that she was the paper thin shield between our world and a world of zeal and rage and fire fueled by dieing atoms.

Rest, Ms. Bhutto. If anyone in this world deserves rest then surely you do.

Rest. We will have to make our way without you.

current mood: pensive

(1 beat | heart)

Saturday, November 17th, 2007
7:43 pm - I am my mother
Why am i so crazy? i asked my mom this question tonight and he answer really caught me off guard, "you are just like me"

My mom is never happy, never satisfied, all ways looking... i'm not sure for what. I don't think she knows either. She's lived all over the country, had relationships with many different (and differing) men, picked up and discarded careers, pretty much as the mood took her. Always restless. Always moving.

The bitch of the thing is, i'm not sure she's wrong.

My record speaks for itself.

Am i to be dissatisfied in perpetuity?

Can i just be content?

Is 'content' a goal worth perusing?

There was a series of books that i loved as a kid, "Sideways Stories from Wayside School" i don't remember alot about them, but i do remember that one of the characters was a boy named 'Myron' who was told that he could be safe, or free, but never both.

I'm not sure if that really belongs here, but i'm sure its true.

(1 beat | heart)

Monday, October 29th, 2007
2:16 pm - REMINDER: I have no fucking clue about anything
I have sublet my apartment, largely because i don't have a job that will allow me to pay my rent. I don't have a place to move into because one of the boy's roomates has made it clear she doesn't want to live with me (side note: this came out of left field, i thought this girl loved me).

Stress for me is a bell curve. I get passed a point where i can reasonably handle shit and then i just stop worrying; which is where i am now.

I might have then energy to start my life over from scratch, again, for the 4th time in five years.

or maybe not.

Maybe i'll just give my shit away, or sell it for whatever cash i can get and just go explore the world untill my meds run out (nine months) or i get kidnaped into the white slave trade. either way, ADVENTURE!

I used to believe that i was special. That i had a destiny. I used to dream of changing the world, leaving it a better place then i found it.

I don't really believe that anymore. How could i possibly change the world when i can't even find a stupid fucking job? FUCK!

Never before have i looked back on my life and seen the choices i've made as mistakes. But here i am; in the last five years i have gone from place to place desperatly seeking a goal or a dream or a purpose. Palm Springs, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francsico. I've been up and down this state, from east to west, life to life; wearing personas like hats. dutiful son, loving husband, political activist, schollarly student, libertine philosopher... fucking looser.

Hello universe,

i give up.

you win.

just tell me where to go, i've no compass or map to guide me.

there are no stars to point he way.

and even if i could find the third star to the left, i don't have the strength to fly 'straight on till morning'

I don't think i even have enough juice to drag my sorry ass to the edge of the rabbit hole, let alone throw myself in.

Maybe i'll just go lay on my bed and wait for a tornado. that always seems to pan out in the end.


(3 beats | heart)

Saturday, October 20th, 2007
9:45 pm - When a thing is Done, it is Done.
I'm moving in.

with the boys.

the details will be finalized tomorrow and i will be out of the Bayview Estate by the first of the month.

I was a little anxious earlier today, remembering the last time i lived with a guy(not man) i was in a relationship. You can go back and read this journal for details but i'm not linking to anything, i don't need the nightmares the reminder will bring. lets just say i was very unhappy. very, very unhappy.

But this will be different. better.

This is better then i could have ever hoped for.

this is right.

(4 beats | heart)

Friday, October 19th, 2007
4:00 pm - Hi. I fail at adulthood.
I'm 26yo

i don't have a real job.

I don't know how i'm gonna pay my rent.

The bank closed my checking account, because i was over drafted too long.

What am i supposed to do w/out a checking account?

(3 beats | heart)

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
10:28 pm - and another thing
Go see "Elizabeth: the Golden age" it will rock the pants right off of you.

(2 beats | heart)

10:26 pm - New Rule
i lend my keys to no one. NO ONE.

current mood: eff'n pissed

(7 beats | heart)

12:02 am - Begining of a Golden Age
The trouble with writing, for me anyway, is always in the begining. Once i can get get the first four or five paragraphs out of my head and onto the page i am usually okay. But that start... I suppose i should start at the begining, and see where the road leads me. Where to begin?

Today i read a letter that i recieved from my ex-roomate, Jay Pullano. Nothing important, he and his lady friend parted ways, he's still in Los Angeles, trying to rip out its heart so he can eat it and steal it's power. He's still trying to take over the world. He was thinking about me and wanted to say 'hi'.

Jay probably doesn't know it, but he is the only reason i'm alive right now. Jay was the island of stability and and possitive energy in the ocean of codependancy and depression that was my life in LA. My life with Justin.

Today i read a letter that reminded me of my life with Justin.

I don't think there was a day, there at the end, that i didn't think how easy it would be. Not being. But this isn't what i sat down to write about.

Today i read a letter that made me think about me life.

I moved to San Francisco last December, almost a year ago. My rough plan was to pay my way through school bar-tending/prostituting and moving to New York with some kind of degree under my belt. Instead i fell in love.

There are two men. Two amazing, awe inspiring, brave, strong men.

Stephen and Adan.

I could could write volumes about them. I could describe them and compare them, filling page after page with prose in their honor. I could draw them and diagram them. I could fill pages with maps of the constelations in their eyes. and i'm sure i will at some point. but tonight i want to write about other things.

Today i read a letter that rekindled a fire in my heart.

My time in Los Angeles was... traumatic is the only word i can think of but that doesn't seem right... wounding maybe, 'my time in los angeles left me wounded' yeah that sounds right, if melodramatic, and i'm just now starting to recover. Just now am i begining to feel like 'me' again. for so long i have been content to just be. i have been satisfied with mear existance. I've been asleep without dreams. but the dreams are starting to filter through the haze.

Today i read a letter and it woke me up.

(1 beat | heart)

Monday, October 8th, 2007
8:32 pm - So...Many...Things...
So many highs and lows.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like the luckiest boy in the world.

I'm in serious need of a beer.


(1 beat | heart)

Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
1:46 pm - The Arcade Fire

Last night the Family went to see the Arcade Fire ( ) @ Shorline Ampitheater down in Mountainview. The show was absolutly Epic, one of the best live shows i have ever seen. I have to admit that i wasn't really excited to schlep my happy ass all the way down to Mtn-view to see a band that my little brother is a big fan of, but i went, largely because Stephen really wanted me to go, and our hommie Joey hooked up free tickets (lawn seats). Better yet when we arived at the venue we got free upgrades to row K, spitting distance from the stage.

The Arcade Fire is a must see live show. The played an 18 song set that kept building higher and higher until both they and the audience were at a fever pitch. The passion was infectious, and their lyrics are time-less and stirring. I HIGHLY recommend that everybody go see them. go. right now.

(1 beat | heart)

Friday, May 11th, 2007
1:16 am - Don't call it a comeback
i prefer "return"

it seems i have some things to say.

just give me a few days.

(3 beats | heart)

Thursday, November 30th, 2006
3:16 pm - My Life As a Movie

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

Opening Credits:
Satan Lend Me a Dollar- Hill of Beans
(and we're off to a great start)

Waking Up:
Dissolved Girl - Massive Attack
(clearly my life is Neo noir, i'm waking up... from a three day bender)

First Day At School:
Sumer Sun - Koop
(i meet a nice boy...)

Falling In Love:
Wednesday - Tori Amos
("it seems to me we're circling for very diffrent reasons but one day the eagle has to land")

Fight Song:
Where do i Begin - Shirley Basey (trip hop remix)
(... his secrets begin to surface...)

Breaking Up:
Oh La La - Goldfrapp
(breaking up, then a party montage)

Wallflower - Bob Dylan
(...our eyes meet across the dance floor...)

Nugget - Cake
("heads of state who ride and wrangle, they'll look at your face from more then one angle, can cut you from their bloated budgets like kitchen knives through chicken mcnuggets")

Mental Breakdown:
Walking On Fire - Evolution/Jayn Hanna
(well fuck. "my fingers burn in the break down, it's apart of everything behind me, i fade into the headlines, crushing every feeling thats in me")

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - Flaming Lips
(its raining, but i'm driving tword a possible answer)

More Adventurous- His and Hers (covering Rilo Kiley)
("i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous")

Hit the Ceiling - Audio Bullys
(somone gets cold feet)

Birth of Child:
On a Plain (unplugged) - Nirvanah

Final Battle:
Sun in My Mouth - Bjork
(betrayed by a friend)

Death Scene:
Lost Cause - Beck
(they are holding my hands and crying as i slip away)

Funeral Song:
Control - Poe

End Credit:
The Fallen Interlude - Blink-182
WOW! that is totally credit music!


Friday, November 24th, 2006
3:00 am - deep thoughts meme
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
Two seperate questions: 1-A. suffering is a direct result of attachment. We allow ourselves to become emotionaly dependent on things that we can't control, thus we hurt. 1-B. Poverty is not a real thing. it exists only as a comparison to those who have more. Having things doesn't make people happy. but thats not really the point is it? a better question would be "why does scarsity exist" and that is simple math. 7 billion people devided by a finite amount of physical resources... some people will do without.

2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
both are tools that humans use to try and understand the world they live in. Religion relies mostly on gut instinct and doctrine, science is a system of trial and error. science is usually more effective.

3. Why are so many people depressed?
its a choice that they make.

4. What are we all so afraid of?
i'm affraid of failure and abandonment. i'm not arrogent enough to assume i know what "we all" are affraid of.

5. When is war justifiable?
when thats what it takes to survive.

6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
"god" if such a being were to exist, would be so far removed from our scale of logic that the question is meaningless. you might as well ask "How would god want us to respond to Agriculture and animal husbandry"

7. How does one obtain true peace?
non existance is the only sure fire rout to peace. (i'll take my chances with existance, thanks)

8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
to know and understand that the past and the future are lies. the only thing that is real is what you are experiancing right now.

9. What is our greatest distraction?

10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
religion is a tool. i can use a hammer to build a house or kill a man. regardless of the intent of its creator, it is now in my hands, its purpose
is the use i put it to.

11. What happens to you after you die?
you get... A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!!

12. Describe Heaven and how to get there.
"the mind is its own place and can make a heaven of hell, or a hell of heaven" -milton, paradise lost

13. What is the meaning of life?

14. Describe God.
describe thought, or Tao, or everything, or nothing, or the colors on either side of red and violet.

15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
our hunger to be better then we are.

16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
potential according to who?

17. Non-verbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.

18. What is your one wish for the world?
teach me more please

19. What is wisdom, and how do we gain it?
wisdom is knowing what you don't know, and it's pretty easy to get. all you have to do is stop lying to yourself.<<not mine, but its better then anything i could have come up with 20. Are we all One? thats a matter of scale. a cell is one thing that is apart of a greater system. so are we.

(2 beats | heart)

Saturday, October 28th, 2006
5:45 am - where i've been.

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide


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